The Audacity of Comic-Con

Gear up, everyone! This weekend, starting yesterday actually, is Comic-con 2009! People dressing up, previews of our favorite upcoming comics, films, games, television shows. (Lost is my favorite!) It's a great, exciting time had by all.

But there is an important issue I must address.

Many of you are thinking about going to CC '09 dressed in an Obama mask.

I hate this. My face is not that rubbery, and my skin is a bit lighter. Let me be clear: Impersonating a President of the United States is a felony and anyone breaking this law will be punished accordingly.

So let me provide you with some alternatives:

If you like scary, dress as OJ Simpson and carry around a bloody knife.

If you like funny, dress as OJ Simpson and carry around a bloody football.

If you like dramatic, dress as Alec Baldwin yelling at his daughter through a message machine.

But whatever you do, remember, don't dress as me, because it's not healthy, and nobody likes it, AND IT MAKES ME AN ANGRY MAN!

The audacity of some people.
(Happy Comic Con!)

AM

The Audacity of "The Hills"

"The Hills", that show on MTV, makes me want to vomit my fucking guts out.

The audacity of some people!

The Audacity of The American People [UPDATE]

Look, It's easy to say things like "I'll close down Guantanamo Bay," or "I will straighten out the deficit." And you all take me at face value. I'm not a liar, I'm a realist. These things take time. Shutting down Gitmo? Easy. Getting rid of our debt? Are you stupid? It's not as easy as waving a magic wand. You know what I'd like to see? I'd like to see you all elect an uneducated homeless man as your president, see how much longer it takes him to turn the budget around.

But I rant, and you listen. And that's where I'm going with this. You listen too hard. Bush said things. I say things. Reagan said things, and he was an actor, and you all believed him! It's like if I set a bush on fire and said "Here's God." You all know it's not God, and yet you'd question it for a minute, because you just don't get how it really works.

I am president Obama, and when I listen to the American people it makes me angry. I want to vomit. Vomit, I tell you! If it wasn't for those strippers and prostitutes, I probably would have moved to Gitmo myself a long time ago.

The audacity of some people!

AM

[UPDATE]

You all know I'm a loving man. I love my fellow countrymen, and women and I would never mean anything I said drunk.


Er.....

The Audacity of Bill

Here's the thing: I love being president. I love the power to change things. I love living in the White House. I love the pretty much nonstop presidential sex my wife has given me since I got inaugurated (for the record, it's about 100x better than senatorial sex and infinitely better than community organizer sex). I love it. But there's one thing I don't love: 

The Oval Office-- and I blame Bill Clinton and his voracious sexual appetite. 

Now I'm not one of those people who say that Clinton "disgraced the office" because he did some "exit-polling." My problem is that I can't go in there without picturing Bill getting busy with Monica Lewinsky.  Now pardon my language, but if I'm even medium-hard when I go into the office in the morning, well, let's just say that image takes care of that. I'm serious. I mean, could a more unattractive couple of people done it in there? I swear, if I ever find out that old Honest Abe did a bit of business in there, I'm going to start working from the bedroom. Seriously, Bill. It's bad enough that I have to sleep in the same room that you and Hillary pretended to have sex in.

The audacity of some people!

IG

The Audacity of Prop 8

Let me start by saying, I know I'm not pro-gay marriage, and everyone knows that. But I'm not about to close down the fort and agree with prop 8, I'm just trying to meet everyone halfway. So then why am I angered at the situation in California? State affairs like these are not my problem at the basic level, but with the way this is going, it probably will be! Listen, I'm a democratic president, so I support the liberal ideas, but did you see me at Notre Dame the other day, giving the commencement speech? Those lunatics raged because I'm Pro-choice, what do you think will happen if I get involved with this?

I'm so angry, I think we should all meet at Church and pray! Meet me at Calvalry Baptist Church in twenty minutes! Go!



....



Are they gone? Good. Fuck conservative Christians!

The audacity of some people!

AM

The Audacity of Bowling Alley Employees

A couple of days ago I was signing some bills when I thought to myself, "Barack, you're an important man, but you can't just be signing bills every day!" Now I know, I do a lot of other things, and people like Stevie Wonder come to my house (which is the white house, if you didn't know) and play their music for me, and I get to travel the world and all, but one thing I don't get to do a lot now is go bowling. Back in Chicago I went bowling every Tuesday! I LOVE to bowl! So anyway, I decided it was time to go for a bowl, as I say, so I rounded up my posse, Rahm, Hillary, Michelle, and unfortunately Biden, the fifth wheel. *rolls eyes* Anyway, while we were bowling, Biden was doing his normal "make a joke and then try and show off" thing, but his jokes were lame and when he tried to show off he kept getting gutter balls! The rest of us were laughing our asses off. Well, this of course made Biden angry so he grabbed two bowling balls and rolled them down the lane at the same time! WOW that had never been done before! He got mad at us again for saying that. Now he wasn't just joking around, he was getting really mad, and we were a few beers in each so the combination was probably a bad idea. Anyway he went up for his turn and swung the ball behind him, accidently letting go of it and it hit Michelle square in the face! We all got worried and of course Biden turned back in to his caring self the second it happened, everyone was great about it. Oh, except for one of the bowling alley employees, she came up to try and "help" by trying to move the first lady on to a chair! You don't touch the first lady! Especially if you're a dirty bowling alley employee!

The audacity of some people!

AM

The Audacity of My Personal Chef

Woke up a bit hungry tonight. Of course, being the president, I've heard the rumor that if I get hungry in the middle of the night, I can go down to the kitchen and my personal chef will whip something up. So, I got out of bed and headed to the kitchen. When I got down there, I must admit, I was a bit surprised to find a completely empty room. I called for the chef but no one was around. So I went upstairs and woke Michelle. I said, "Honey, I think someone has stolen our chef." She said that the chef goes home at 9 and that the whole personal-chef-midnight-snack thing was just a "stupid" rumor. So I went back downstairs. And now here I am. The leader of the free world. Sitting in my EMPTY kitchen. Updating my blog while waiting for my Eggos to finish toasting.

The audacity of some people!

IG

The Audacity of Homeless People

As President of the United States of America I feel it's my duty to mention that this Monday is Memorial Day. I mention it because these days, too many Americans forget what Memorial Day is all about. It's not about hot dogs, or barbecues, or families getting together to see each other again, it's about dogs waiting for their dead masters to come home, barbecues sitting in the backyard, NOT being used, and families, gathering around graves for remembrance. Which brings me to my point, we as Americans need to take days off, but if for a moment, at least, you can remember why this day is a holiday, for every soldier that has died to make this land free for you and me. In the spirit of the whole thing, I took a trip yesterday to one of D.C.'s (unfortunately) many homeless shelters, and dished out soup to many of my fellow, albeit homeless, Americans. It wasn't even an hour in to my soup doling, when one of the homeless men, his name was Richard I believe, walked up and said "Thanks for the soup, I voted for McCain." I didn't even know homeless people could vote!

The audacity of some people!

AM

The Audacity of My Wife

Movie night! I want to go see the new Christian Bale feature (forgot the name), but Michelle wants to go see Dance Flick. I keep telling her that I'd really rather see the Christian Bale film. God, what is the name of that film? Something with robots. They've made a bunch of them. And a TV show, I think? There are robots and I want to say guns. It's not RoboCop, but I don't feel like that's too far off. It's with the guy and he looks like a man but also a robot at the same time. Robot something. Robo... wabo... weebo... Is it RoboCop? The robots kill people. KillboCop? Something? I just watched the preview on YouTube, too. Jesus, what is the name? This is unbelievable... Battlebots! That's it. Battlebots: Salvation. I wanted to see that. Anyways, she says she doesn't care and that we are going to see Dance Flick.

The audacity of some people!

IG

The Audacity of Dick Cheney

So yesterday I signed a bill that would make it tougher for credit card companies to raise fees and interest rates, and, in a strangely unrelated move, also signed a bill that would make it legal for people to bring guns into national parks. So later that day I was up in Yosemite with my gun to test out the new law when I ran in to Dick Cheney, who was carrying a hunting rifle and was in full hunting garb. I asked him, "Dick, the law allows you to bring your gun into the park, not go hunting, so why are you dressed like you're going hunting?" He said "Well, Mr. President, I needed a break after our little exchange yesterday about the whole Gitmo thing." I decided that he is human too, and couldn't remember him having any track record of any illegal types of hunting so we parted ways. Ten minutes later he shot me in the face.

The audacity of some people!

AM

The Audacity of Bums

Today I was walking towards the Washington Monument, of course surrounded by six of my favorite secret service guards, when a bum asked me for some change. I'm the president of the United States of America! I don't own a huge corporation with an incredibly large net profit that can just throw change around. My salary is only 100 grand a year!

The audacity of some people!

AM